Screw This Shit
by naranna29
Summary: RATED G just to be sure! Individual Oneshots! Want to laugh? Come and read! :D Mostly Dramione :) Enjoy and review! :)
1. Draco vs Banana

**Hi there! Well, these are just individual shots of Harry Potter, mostly Dramione. I'm seeing forward to funny ones, but id there's drama or angst or whatever, then… sorrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyy!**

**This is rated M for swearing and explicit content. If you don't like it, just don't comment or report! **

**Oh yeah, please mind English is not my mother language, but my second one. So, if there are any mistakes, please let me know per PM! :) **

**Thanks a bunchhhhhhh! **

**Fuck. This. Shit.**

**Chapter one: Draco vs. Banana**

That minx.

There she is.

At her Gryffindor table, the Weaselette sitting beside her.

She tries to fake innocence, but she's evilly smiling at me and she fucking knows it.

She knows what she is doing!

Calm down, Draco. Calm down. Everything's going to be okay.

OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE! I HAVE TO STOP LYING TO MYSELF!

What the…?

This can't be happening. She's not… No, definitely not.

She's DEFINITELY NOT peeling that fruit like that!

So slowly… It's killing me.

Wait a second… What is she…?

No. NO. NO! NONONONONONONO! JUST FUCKING NO!

She just can't be eating a fucking BANANA like that!

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUUUUUUUUCK! HERMIONE, PLEASE, DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT! IT'S TURNING ME ON!

God this is a fucking torture.

And it's only because of tonight.

Merlin, I'm such a dumb fuck!

I just shouldn't have told her I wanted a trio with Astoria!

But yet again, she shouldn't have told me she wanted a trio with Harry 'Oh Merlin I´m so fucking awesome and I rule this fucking world' Potter!

Oh, but for fuck´s sake, now I'M the one suffering the consequences!

HERMIONE, STOP EATING THAT BANANA LIKE THAT!

The Weaselette whispers something in her ear as she finishes having the first bite and both of them start laughing like crazy women.

Did she just point at me?

God, I don't even what to imagine how my face looks like right now.

Oh, no! Here it comes again!

The banana is entering her mouth!

FOR FUCK'S SAKE! Is she _actually_ sucking!?

All right, I can't let this affect me in any way. That's it. I'm going to look away…

…I can't.

It's just too sexy.

Just thinking about her doing that to my dick…

…oooooh, mmmmh, gooooood yeeeeeesssssshhh sooo fucking good…

Shit I have to control myself! I nearly started to masturbate!

I blush furiously.

Hermione starts to laugh hysterically and points beside me.

I turn my head to the left.

Blaise Zabini is looking at me.

He has been staring for a while.

I'm just as red as a fucking tomato.

Me, Draco Fucking Malfoy, blushing IN FRONT OF A FUCKING BOY.

He must think I'm gay.

"Dude, you ok? You look… red." He asks in a bizarre tone.

Fan-fucking-tastic, thanks Zabini. I'm just feeling fucking horny because my girlfriend is trying to make me hard in front of the fucking school by eating a fucking banana. But, hey, thanks. I'm feeling great, mate. By the way, nice weather, don't you think?

D'uh!

"Yeah. I'm just… Well, you know. Trying… to enjoy… this bana- I MEAN! These cereals! YUM! CEREALICIOUS!" I feel fucking ridiculous.

"Yeah, okay, cerealicious and whatever, Malfoy. But…"

He leans into my ear to whisper something.

His warm breath meets the helix of my ear.

God, I never felt so GAY.

"…I think…" He continues.

Was that me or did his voice just sound _sexy_ as hell!?

"…You need…"

No Draco, this is NOT turning you on. You are NOT gay!

"A…"

A WHAT!? A WHAT!? A WHAAAAAAAAAAT!?

"Cold shower."

I look at him with a weird face.

His eyes point down _there_.

I look _down there_.

FUCK!

I just got hard.

FUCK!

Hermione falls onto the floor and can't stop laughing as she sees me running out from the Great Hall.

Fuck. This. Shit.

I hate bananas.

And I really need a cold shower.

Also, a trio with Astoria.

**weeeeeeeeee! Chapter one! And? How was it? :) I hope you liked it!**

**Leave me your revieeeeewsss! They are looooooveeeeee!**

**Thanks for reading guys! :) You're the bestttttt!**


	2. Ferrets and 'Job-blows'

**Please, review! :) **

**Fuck. This. Shit. **

**Chapter two: Ferrets and 'job-blows'. **

"But whyyyyy?" I whine.

"Scorpius, I told you already! I just don't like ferrets!" Dad says.

I have to insist.

I always wanted a ferret!

"But whyyyyyyyyy?"

Dad face-palms his face quite hard and sighs.

"I don't like ferrets because they are ferrets!"

Wow.

Now, THAT'S a reason.

An applause, please!

Who could have known that ferrets _are actually _ferrets!

Wow. Just, wow.

I try to analyze the situation.

"So you don't like ferrets… because they _are_ ferrets?"

"Exactly!"

And here we go again.

"But whhhhhhhyyyyyyyyy?"

"SCORPIUS MALFOY!"

"That's my name. What about it?"

"Will you leave it already!"

"Leave what?"

"Ferrets!"

"But I want one!"

"I KNOW!"

"Can I have one then?"

"NO!"

Ladies and gentlemen, here I go again.

I can be quite bitchy if I want to.

"BUT WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY?"

Dad starts pulling on his hair and hyperventilating.

It's _hilarious_.

I think I should go more often on his nerves.

Yep, I should! And yep, I _will_!

"FOR THE THOUSANDTH TIME, SCORPIUS: BECAUSE I. DON'T. LIKE. FERRETS!"

"Yes, you said that. What was the reason again?"

"BECAUSE THEY ARE FERRETS!"

"I am _aware_ of that, dear daddy. Care to tell me a more convincing reason than that?"

"ARGHHH!"

"You seem to be a bit nervous, dad. Haven't you had any sex in a while?"

Dad's gray eyes open widely.

His face turns to me all in a sudden.

His face is just _too funny! _

"What. Did. You. Just. Say?"

"Lack of sex?"

"Scorpius, you're just 5!"

"So?"

"You don't even know what sex is!"

"Yes I do!"

Again, Dad's face is _priceless_.

"WHAT!"

"Yup."

Dad tries to calm down. And then he sighs and looks at me.

"Ok, mister. Who told you about sex?"

D'uh.

"Potter and Weasley."

Double d'uh.

Dad smirks.

"Well, they haven't explained themselves clearly because they've never done it."

My eyes wide.

"They never tasted chocolate?!"

Dad curses under his breath. I think he said 'fuck this shit' or something.

What the hell does that mean? Mah, it really doesn't matter.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAnyways.

"Sex is something else, Scorps. You'll understand when you're a bit older."

I roll my eyes.

Why does he always say that?

"You said exactly the same when I came up with the whole job-blows thing!"

"Blowjobs, son. Blowjobs."

And then, mommy comes in.

"WHAT!"

Dad's eyes look helpless against mom's ones.

I think I'm going to be having fun for a few minutes.

"Oh… h-hi, Hermione, how is it going?"

"WHAT WERE YOU TELLING HIM!?"

"Oh, nothing" I say "Just things about sex and job-blows. Oh, AND FERRETS!"

Daddy freaks out completely.

"BLOWJOB! IT'S CALLED A BLOWJOB!"

I have to try really hard to not laugh at him in front of his face.

It would be fun, though.

"DRACO MALFOY! YOU'RE SUCH AN IRRESPONSIBLE FATHER!"

"AND HE WON'T BUY ME A FERRET!"

"BECAUSE I FREAKING HATE THEM!"

"YES, BECAUSE YOU WERE TURNED INTO ONE IN FOURTH YEAR!"

Mom gasps.

Dad's face darkens.

And then… Silence.

I look at him, my eyes widen.

"You don't like ferrets because you were turned into one when you were younger?"

Dad sighs.

"Yes, Scorpius. Dear mommy has told."

"So that's why you won't let me have one?"

There is a sigh again.

"Yes, son. That's why."

I look at mom.

"He was a ferret?"

Mom sighs, too.

"Yes, he was."

Mmmh…

I have to think of something… If I can't have a ferret…

Is a job-blow an animal?

"Mom, dad?"

Both sigh at the same time.

"Can I have a blowjob?"

"WHAT! NO!"

"BUT WHYYYYYYYYYY!?"

**SO! CHAPTER TWO'S UP! Did you like it? LEAVE A REVIEW! :)**

**Thanks a bunch for readinggggg! I love you guys!**


	3. First words

**Review! :) **

**Screw. This. Shit.**

**Chapter 3: First words. **

"Mom, dad… what were my first words?"

Lucius' face turned red in an instant.

Narcissa's face too.

Not that it had been an unusual question for a child of his age.

But…

God, it was so _embarrassing_ even _remembering_ that.

Draco repeated.

"Mom, dad… what were my first words?"

Narcissa closed her eyes.

She remembered clearly.

She and Lucius had been drunk that night.

Of course, it had been their anniversary and they had gone out for dinner.

Soooooooooo, they had been kind of drunk.

The elves had to take care of Draco, so nothing could happen.

So that their son couldn't catch them.

There was absolutely no chance that he'd catch them drunk.

Nope. Not by chance.

So they went to their dormitory.

Singing stupid things.

Singing stupid _sex_ things.

How were the lyrics again?

"If you're sexy and you know it clap your hands!

If you want to have some rough sex clap your hands!

If you're horny and you know it and if you just want to show it,

Then just kneel down and take your husband's pants!"

Clap! Clap!

And both of them were naked.

And they had forgotten to lock the door.

And they had been _so extremely drunk_ they had even forgotten they had a lovely son.

A lovely son who actually had _nightmares_ almost every night.

And that night hadn't been an exception.

That lovely son the parents had forgotten about, normally went to their dormitory so that he could search for sweet dreams between his mother's arms.

So, hey, why not?

His loving mother would be waiting for him.

He was standing right in front of his parents' room.

He just had to open the door.

No, he didn't have to knock. He never did.

Open, Sesame!

And there was the sex-song again!

"If you're sexy and you know it clap your hands!

If you want to have some rough sex clap your hands!

If you're horny and you know it and if you just want to show it

Then kneel down and take your husband's pants!"

Clap! Clap!

And there it was.

Draco's jaw dropped open.

And Draco's mouth came to speak.

It came to speak for the very first time.

"HOLY MOTHER OF PORN!"

And now, Narcissa was sitting on the sofa with Lucius next to her.

Both faces were as red as tomatoes.

And Draco in front of her, demanding what his first words had been.

And he was getting grumpy.

"MOM! WHAT WERE MY FIRST WORDS!?"

"Fuck this shit" Narcissa muttered under her breath.

"What was that, mom?" He really didn´t hear her.

"Oh, nothing, lovely. Nothing…"

And there was his grumpiness again.

"MOM!"

Narcissa sighed.

Lucius looked at her.

She looked back at him.

And then at her 9-years-old son Draco.

"Draco, my dear, I really don't remember."

**YAAAAAAY! Chapter 3! **

**Hope you liked it! :) **

**Please, review! :) **

**Thanks for reading!**


	4. Learning for potions

**Fuck. This. Shit**.

**Chapter 4: Learning for potions. **

But, but, but, but, but!

NO! JUST FUCKING NO!  
THIS IS NOT FAIR!

Gods, I just didn't have any time to learn!

I had loads to do for Quidditch during last week!

And for laziness.

And DO NOT FORGET unproductivity.

And, and, and, anddddd…! Oh! Did I mention Quidditch?

Gryffindor's going to play against Hufflepuff, you know.

Annnnnnnyways.

Well, thing is, yesterday was the only day I had to study.

So I decided to go to my common room.

Why not the library?  
Because it's creepy without Hermione.

I mean, come on!

So many books…

_Too_ many books!

It's dangerous. They threaten you to become a nerd.

And I'm NOT a nerd.

'Cause I'm Harry Fucking Potter, babe!

So, yeah.

My common room.

My _silent_ common room.

Wait a second.

Silent?

What's this sound?

A giggle?

Is this _HERMIONE?_

Oh shit!

AND MALFOY!?

AND THEY'RE MOANING!

OH, COME ON!

Couldn't you just pick another day for _that_?

I'm already used to it, but not when I'm trying to learn for something!

Oh, _why_ I'm used to it?

Well, after one of those two lovebirds had sex with Hermione for her first time,

both became _addicted_.

Like… _really_ addicted.

"Ah… mmmh… oh my god, Dray… Please, don't tease…"

Shit.

"Tell me what you want…"

SHIT.

"Draco, come on! You know I want you!"

SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!

"Ooh yeahh… Mh, Granger you feel so good…"

Excuse me do I have the permission to just VOMIT in front of your face?

PWARGH!

Thank you.

"OOOOH, YESSSSS!"

It's getting louder and louder.

And Hermione just had to forget about this silencing spell!

It´s called _Silencio_, just so you know.

"OH, YES! YES, DRACO! HARDER, HARDER!"

ARGH!

Okay, I have to do something about this.

All right, I'll try and ignore.

Nope.

I'm not hearing it.

I'm completely focused on my book.

On potions.

On my exam.

Due TOMORROW.

Let's see…

Veritaserum…

I need…

Shit, what were the ingredients, again?

"OOOOOH FUCK, HERMIONE! YES!"

"AH, DRACOOOOO! I think I'm going to-"

"Me too… fuck! FUUUUUUCKKKKKKK!"

This. Is. Disturbing.

Couldn´t they just fuck elsewhere?

"God, I love you so much."

"I love you too"

Sorry, correction.

Couldn't they just disgustingly _make love_ elsewhere?

I'm trying to study in here!

Huh?

Have they actually stopped?

I only hear their heavy breaths.

But the bed isn't moving.

I think they stopped.

YAY!

AAAAND!

Harry Potter can finally learn in peace!

Right, it's 5 pm.

I still have 3 hours until dinner.

Perfect!

I'll be done in two hours and then I'll-

"You up for round two, babe?"

No. No! NO. NO! NONONONONO! NNNOOOOOOO!

Please, Hermione!

I'm your best friend! YOU TOLD ME!  
SAY NO!

PLEASEEEEEEE!

"You know it! Let's do it!"

Fuck. This. Shit.

I won't be able to study now.

And nope, I won't try the library.

I already said it.

IT'S FUCKING CREEPY!

Well then, you know what?

Fuck potions!

T for TROLL, here I come!

'Cause I'm Harry Fucking Potter.

Yeah.

**Sooooo, Chapter four's finally up!**

**please, please, please review! It means a lot to me and it totally makes my day! :) **

**Thank youuuuuuuu! **


	5. Ridiculous bets

**Fuck. This. Shit.**

**Chapter 5:** **Ridiculous** **bets**

"Albus, I'm definitely NOT doing it."

"Ohhh, come on, Scorpius! It'll be fun! Besides, he's your father's godfather!"

"So? He's not _mine!"_

"But he's your father's!"

"Then why don't you ask _him _to do it?"

"'Cause I know how uncle Draco is, Scorps. And I'm not crazy."

"You are, Albus. And you know it."

"Well, yeah. Dad spends too much time with uncle Ron."

"And with _you_ too, apparently."

"Yeah, whatever. Anyways, you in?"

"I told you already. NO!"

"Awww, come on!"

"Don't look at me like that! Argh. All right, what do I get in exchange?"

"I'll tell the whole school I kissed a boy."

"What? You don´t have the balls."

"Don't I?"

"Nope."

"Okay, then. Let's make a bet. If I say it, that means, if _you_ lose, you'll be making my homework for straight two weeks."

"HEY!"

"Your father's Draco Malfoy and your mother's Hermione Granger-"

"Malfoy, Albus. Hermione _Malfoy_."

"Whatever. They were the best wizards in their generation, so you've inherited their big brains."

"Yyyyyeah, right. So, and what if _you_ lose?"

"If I lose… I'll French-kiss a boy. For real."

"Now, Albus. You _don't_ have the balls for _that_."

"You want to see me doing it? Then just ask Snape!"

"You'll ruin your 'Potter-reputation'."

"Hey, I'm not 'the boy who lived', that's dad. As far as it concerns me, I really couldn't care less."

"You'll French-kiss _any_ boy?"

"Yeah. _Any_ boy."

"Deal."

"Okay, but now just go and ask him."

"All right, Albus. Follow me."

"Coming!"

"Hi uncle Sev!"

"Pffft, Uncle Sev…"

"Shut up, Albus!"

"Hello, Scorpius. How are you?"

"I'm doing fine, thank you. Um… I wanted to ask you a question."

"Well?"

"Um… Dad… Dad said… dad said you were his hairdresser… so I assume you've got the best hair products and… Well, I wanted to ask you… Which products are these?"

"W-What?"

"Yes, you know. What products do you use? I deduce it's not L'oréal, because you're really NOT worth it."

"WHAT!?"

"Yeah! And… well. Which products do you use? So that I don't get confused and use them. I mean, your hair is _hideous_."

"SCORPIUS MALFOY!"

"Yes?"

"Stop that already!"

"Stop _what?_"

"That hairy thing!"

"I can't stop it. It's on your hair. And seriously, uncle Sev, it really looks like a dragon had burnt it. And I wouldn't want my hair to get burnt."

"You're annoying, kid."

"Bye uncle Sev! I love you! …Now. Are you _happy?_"

"Yup, very."

"You know what you have to do, right?"

"Yup."

"Tomorrow, when we're having our first dinner at Hogwarts, in front of everyone."

"Yeah, that was the deal."

"And you'll do it."

"Yup."

"Fine, but don't act like a chicken when you have to do it and back off."

"Won't happen, don't worry."

"I'm impatient."

_The next day, at Hogwarts…_

"Ahem, ahem. EVERY BODY, LISTEN TO WHAT I HAVE TO SAY!"

"I can't believe he's saying it!"

"I, Albus Severus Potter…"

"He's going to chicken out. There's no way he says it."

"…have kissed…"

"Naaah, he's going to say he's kissed a girl."

"…a girl."

"HA! I KNEW IT!"

"Well… no, not really a girl. Actually, I kissed a boy. And if you don't believe it, then… Well, Scorpius, my darling. Care to come and kiss me again?"

"WHAT!"

"Oh, darlingggg, come on! A French one!"

I stand up once I realize I have lost this fucking bet.

I blush.

Everybody laughs.

Fuck. This. Shit.

I kiss him on the lips and he sticks his tongue down my throat.

EW!

The kiss is finally over and everybody's laughing really hard.

"I'll tell you two things: First: I'm soooo happy I don't have any homework these next two weeks…!"

"Fuck you, Albus."

"You wish. And second: I think your Malfoy-reputation has just been ruined."

My jaw drops open.

FUCK. THIS. SHIT.

I'm never making a bet with that brat again.

And from this day on, I'm locking the door of my dorm.

'Cause I think he liked it.

**Sooo, chapter 5 is up! **

**Please, reviewwww! A review is loooooveeee! :) **

**I hope you liked it! :) **

**Thanks for reading! You're the best!**


	6. Slenderman

**Fuck. This. Shit. **

**Chapter 6: Slenderman. **

Who the hell is Slenderman?

No, seriously.

Muggles really do have ideas.

Like the Internet.

What the bloody fuck is 'Internet' supposed to be?

Hermione always says it's a connection that allows you to surf.

All right, let me get something straight.

I don't see any bloody thing connected to that bloody thing she calls a mobile phone, and I don't see her in a bathing suit with a surfing table on it.

Besides,

WHERE THE FUCK IS THE WATER?

D'oh.

Well, back to Slenderman…

Who the fuck is he?

Scorpius came up with that two days ago.

He was like: "Hey dad, can I go to Potter's?"

Obviously, I was like, hell no, kid. I don't want you with a scar on your forehead.

But then he started to pout.

And believe it or not, I'm a very loving father.

And I always surrender to Scorps' eyes.

So I asked him what he was going to be up to.

And he told me: "Oh, we'll be playing Slenderman."

Slender…man?

"You know, a muggle murderer", he said.

A MUGGLE MURDERER?!

I was about to tell him he didn't have the permission to go…

…But of course, dear Hermione was standing right beside me and told him to have fun.

D'oh, d'oh, d'oh and double d'oh.

"Hermione, HAVE YOU LOST IT!?"

She looked at me with a weird face.

Lost what, she said.

Oh, nothing dear. Just, our son is going to Potter's to play with a muggle murderer. You know, what normal people usually do.

"HE'S GOING TO FACE A FUCKING MUGGLE MURDERER!"

Hermione cracked up and started laughing at me.

Like, _really_ laughing at me.

I thought she'd lost her mind.

What the fuck was so funny!?

I didn't want to lose my son!

It was a fucking murderer we were talking about!

"HERMIONE MALFOY, STOP IT!"

"I–HAHAHAHHAHAHAH I CAN'T! HAHAHAHAHHA, SLENDERMAN A FUCKING MURDERER! HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH"

Was my very own wife ignoring me?

"HERMIONE, COME ON! STOP IT ALREADY! I DON'T WANT TO LOSE OUR SON!"

Hermione laughed harder.

And harder, and harder, and harder.

D´oh.

Did I really have to take control over the situation?

I thought about just getting Scorpius and bringing him back home.

I couldn't let him face a fucking muggle murderer.

And my loving wife was not being helpful.

But I thought about trying again.

"Hermione, PLEASE."

She started to calm down.

Yes! She finally stopped laughing.

"Oh my god… Dray, you really are something. Come with me."

She led me to our working room and took her muggle laptop.

She clicked once, twice…

And there you go.

SLENDERMAN – Find the Eight Pages.

Oh.

So now, _that_ was Slenderman.

A… game.

Not a muggle murderer.

All right, then there was no need for me to get Scorpius and bring him back home.

I actually thought he could stay at Potter's that night.

"Have a try."

"What?"

"Play the game."

All right.

Just a try.

It wasn't going to kill me, was it?

Naaaah.

Riiiiight…

It was dark and I seemed to be in the forest.

Right.

It was kind of… tense.

I had to find 8 pages.

My only question was…

Where could I find them?

Pinned to trees?

On the floor?

Whe-

-Huh? I didn't know Hermione´s laptop had a problem.

What was up with the screen?

HUH?

WHAT THE FUCK!

AAAAAAHHHHH!

WHAT THE FUCK!

THAT PERSON DIDN'T HAVE A NOSE!

FOR FUCK'S SAKE, WAS THAT VOLDEMORT!?

WAIT, HE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A FACE!

AAAAAAHHHH!

FUCK THIS SHIT, FUCK THIS SHIT, FUCK THIS SHIIIIIITTTTTTTTTT!

REDUCTO!

THAT WAS IT, I WOULD BE GETTING SCORPIUS AND BRINGING HIM BACK HOME.

SLENDERMAN WAS DANGEROUS.

**Weee! Chapter 6 is finally up! **

**Review, please! **


	7. I'm trying to sleep!

**Fuck. This. Shit.**

**Chapter 7: I'm trying to sleep! **

"Hermione, are you awake?"

"mgmfph… D'co 'm 'leepn'g…"

"You're answering, of course you're not sleeping!"

"mmmgmmph what'ver…"

"…"

"Hermione, are you awake?"

"You're slightly nerve wrecking tonight."

"Thanks."

"That wasn't a compliment."

"Wasn't it?"

"No."

"Oh."

"…"

"Hermione… Hermione, HERMIONE!"

"WHAT!"

"Are you awake?"

"Sod off, Draco."

"…"

"If you're sleeping and you know it clap your hands!"

"…"

"Hermione, you're supposed to clap your hands, you know."

"No I´m not. I'm _trying_ to sleep, if you haven't noticed, but you just won't let me!"

"Yeah, because I can't sleep!"

"You don't say…!"

"Well, I'm saying it, aren't I?"

"Oh god, why me…! Draco, will you please shut up?"

"Nope."

"Why not?"

"Because I can't sleep! I thought you knew by now."

"I _know_, but I just don't check why you can't let _me_ sleep!"

"Because you're my wife?"

"And that's a reason, because…?"

"Oh, come on! Don't you remember our vows? In sickness and health, in happiness and sadness…"

"And the sleeping part is… _where_, exactly?"

"Uh…"

"Ugh. Good night, Draco."

"…"

"Hermiooooooooneeeee…"

"That's it! I'm ignoring you."

"No you're not."

"Yes I am."

"You sure about that?"

"Yes!"

"Well don't be. Hermione, Hermione, Hermione, Hermione, Hermione, Hermione, Hermione, Hermione, Hermione, Hermione, Hermione, Hermione, Hermione, Hermione, Hermione…"

"I have… to… resist… I'm… ignoring… him!"

"No you're not. Hermione, Hermione, Hermione, Hermione, Hermione, Hermione, Hermione, Hermione, Hermione, Hermione, Hermione, Hermione, Hermio-"

"-GOD! WHAT! WHAT, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT, FOR GODNESS' SAKE DRACO, WHAT!"

"Hi."

"AAARGHAGAHRAGRHGHGGHH!"

"Sheesh, lower your voice, will you? Scorpius is going to wake up and I'm not going to be the one to put him back to sleep!"

"ARGHHHH!"

"That's not what I exactly mean. I mean: Hermione Malfoy, be quiet."

"YOU'RE THE ONE WHO STARTED IT!"

"Oh please, how dare you? I just wanted to share my problem with you and you started shouting around!"

"AARGHHRGGRHG!"

"See?"

"Uhghhg… Draco?"

"Yes, lovely?"

"Just go and fu- screw yourself."

"I love you too."

"…"

"Hermione?"

"Don't."

"I just wanted to tell you I wanted to have sex, but hey…!"

"I'm on my days."

"You said the exact same thing last week, my dear."

"…"

"Gotcha."

"I have a head ache."

"Excuses."

"…"

"Gotcha again. You just don't want to have sex because you're mad at yourself for not being able to sleep."

"Excuse me? I'm not mad at _myself_ for that! I'm rather mad at _you_!"

"Sweetheart, your lack of sleep is clear. I think you should just close your eyes and try to fall asleep. I'm trying to sleep in here for awhile, you know."

Hermione's jaw dropped open.

"_What?"_

Fuck. This. Shit.

She was awake and he was asleep.

"BWWAAAAAH!"

And to make things better, baby Scorpius had woken up.

Fantastic.

Fan-fucking-tastic.

Yeah.

**SOOOOO, after eternities without posting any chapter on this story… I'm finally back! **

**Yeah, well, I have two reasons for not being so active lately: **

**1- Internet: Seriously, it's screwing up like it never did before. I don't get why, but hey. **

**And 2- Exams, projects and stress. Do I really need to say anything else? **

**Alright, soooo… **

**Leave me reviews, will you? It's easy and they're all love! **

**REVIEW **** GO! **

**Thanks for reading guys! **

**You're the best! **


	8. Bedtime

Thoughts of the characters written in _**italic-bold**__ font_!

REVIEW!

**Fuck. This. Shit.**

**Chapter 8:** **Bedtime. **

"Well, time to sleep now. Good night, Scorpius. Sleep tight."

"Daaaaaaad…" _**Just, where do you think you're going?**_

"What is it, buddy?" _**Oh, come on!**_

"I can't sleep. Tell me a bed story!"

_**Seriously!?**_ "What? Nooooo, no, no, no, no, Scorps. I see _exactly_ where this is going, and I know this is-"

"Pleaaaaase? PLEEEEASEE?" _**Don't you dare say no!**_

_**Oh those eyes…**_** "**All right. But only a short one, mister!"

"Tell me the one about you becoming a ferret!"

"That's not a sleeping tale!" _**He really loves pushing that subject, doesn't he?**__**Ugh**_**. **

"Then tell me the one about mom punching you in the face!"

"Oh, yeah, that was a quite– wait, who told you this?" _**I think Potter's gonna die tonight**_**.**

"Nana."

_**WHAT!?**_ "Grandma Narcissa?"

"Yup. Nana."

"Ugh." _**Personal note: Mooooommyyyy… Guess who's going to visit you tomorrow!**_

"So, tell me that story."

"Scorps, that's not a sleeping tale either."

"Then what about the one how you fell in love with mom?"

"That's a long story, Scorps. I told you I would tell you a short one." _**Besides, I don't want to give you all details**_**. **

"Ugh. All right, have it your way: either ferret or punch. OR! I'm not going to go to sleep. Or even better, I'll sleep in your bed tonight."

"Ugh. You really are a Malfoy, aren't you?" _**Smart-ass**_**. **

"Seems to be. Now, choose."

"I choose… The punch**." **_**At least it's not quite as embarrassing as the ferret one**_**.**

"Yaaay!" _**Why didn't you choose the ferret one, you old man!**_

"Once upon a time…"

"BOOOORING. If you're going to tell a tale, then please do it right!"

"Scorps, who is telling the tale here, you or me?"

"Yeah, you, but you seriously are NOT good at it." _**I just love him too much to tell him he literally sucks at it.**_

"Care to make it better?" _**Why the fuck did I just ask…!**_

_**D'uh.**_"Why don't you start with 'A lovely Hermione decided to punch Draco in the face. And here is where the story begins.'. Tell the plot, dad. If you don't, you make the whole story boring."

"Ugh, you've clearly inherited the brains of your mother…" _**And again**_**… **_**Smart-ass!**_

"Pardon?"

"Nothing, I said that I'm a wonderful father."

"Poser." _**Arrogant arse!**_

"Yah, yah. So now. _A not so lovely Hermione decided to punch dear Draco in the face. And here is where the story begins._"

"Now, that's better!"

"That not so lovely Hermione had had a bad day. She had been told that Hagrid's hippogriff was going to get executed because that awful beast had attacked your dear daddy."

"Because he had been a poser again." _**Don't you dare deny it, dad**__._

_**Yah, if Potter hadn't been the hero again I wouldn't have- oh, let's forget about it, he's just a kid.**_ "…Aaaaaanyways. Hermione hadn't had a good day. Her face was as scary as the one of a troll, and her frown was as ugly as McGonagall's wrinkles." _**She was scary as hell!**_

"Wasn't professor McGonagall mommy's favourite teacher?"

"Ssssshhhhhh! She doesn't have to know…!"

"That her wrinkles are just the same as McGonagall's?"

"SSSSSSHHH!"

"All right. I promise I won't say anything" _**Personal note: 'Accidentally' tell mommy what dear daddy has just said.**_

_**I'm screwed, aren't I?**_** "**Anyways. Hermione didn't look good and she decided to pay me a visit, because I had told dear grandpa to do something about that beast."

"That fluffy hippogriff?" _**How can he not like HIPPOGRIFFS?!**_

"Yaaaah… fluffy…" _**Fluffy as hell and with iron paws!**_

"What was his name?"

_**His name was Fuckshit!**_ "Buckbeak."

"And what did grandpa do?"

"He told the minister to do something about that animal, and so the minister decided Buckbeak's life should come to its end."

"They were going to kill it!?"

_**Yes, they were! But then Harry Potter just had to save that beast!**_ "Yes, they were."

"And mommy was angry because of it?" _**Kinda normal. I would've been too**__. __**That poor, little, fluffy beast!**_

"Exactly. So, she went together with Potty and Weasel while I was peacefully hanging around with my friends, waiting for the show to start."

"The show?"

"UUUh, I mean, the… ceremony."

"When they were about to kill that fluffy hippogriff, you mean."

"Yes, that. So, mommy was kind of angry at me for that, aaand… well, she decided to pay me a visit. So, she went down some stairs there were and started shouting around real bad things."

"Which ones?"

"Real bad things, Scorps. I'll tell you when you're older." _**Fool, loathsome, little, evil cockroach. Yah, thanks for that one, Hermione!**_

"And then?"

"Then she pointed with her wand at my neck, and threatened to curse me. But! She's soooooo good hearted she decided against it." _**And because I'm so fucking good looking, handsome, hot…**_

"And then?"

"She then… Well, she then, whoosh! Smacked me right across the face!" _**The punch of my life. She broke my nose!**_

"Right across the face?"

"Yup. Right across the face."

"Like this?"

"Huh?"

**SMACK! **

"OW! SCORPIUS MALFOY, WHAT THE BLOODY HELL!" _**THE FRIGGIN' FUCK, KID!**_

"Sorry, daddy. Mom said something about revenge today. Soooo… yeah. There you are. I'm tired now. Care to go? I need to sleep. Good night!"

"Ugh. Good night, Scorpius." _**Fuck. This. Shit. First my wife and now my son! What's next, my mother!?**_

_**Ugh!**_

**SO! Chapter 8 updated! **

**REVIEW! :) **


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